A drunk bloke walks into a fish and chips shop.
He yells to the bloke behind the counter “hhhave ya got annny fishnchips left?”
Bloke replies “Yep”.
Drunk bloke replies “Well, it shherves you right for cooking too many!”
Paddy, an irishman, walks into a pub with bandages around both feet.
His mate said “What happened to ye feet Paddy?”
Paddy said “I burnt ’em cookin spaghetti!”
His mate said “How would you burn ye feet cookin spaghetti?”
Paddy said “It was on the can! it said – place in a saucepan and stand in boiling water for 15 minutes!”
I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles last night.
My next crap could spell disaster.
A graduate with a physio degree asks, “Why does it work?”
A graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
A graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much it cost?”
A graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
I’ve found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters.
It’s shift work.
I got my friend an elephant for his room.
He said thanks.
I said don’t mention it.
Last year I joined a group for anti-social people.
We haven’t met yet.
My mate had a terrible accident a while ago. He fell into an Upholstering Machine.
He’s fully recovered now though.
My dad always told me “Don’t be quick to find faults”.
Good man, terrible geologist.
I work in a library and this guy came up to me and asked, “Do you have a bookmark?”
“Of course,” I replied, indicating the packed shelves, “We have thousands. By the way, my name’s Dave.”
